Count Your Blessings

Life is like a piano; the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also create music. - Ehssan

My dark days made me stronger. Or maybe I already was strong, and they made me prove it. - Emery Lord

It's been a while—five months to be exact. I felt discouraged from writing these posts, which was not great for my mental health, but that's my problem. The main reason I am back is because God has placed this post on my heart. For about two months now, I have felt like these words needed to be out there for those who need it, and today solidified that feeling of accepting His calling on this post because of what this guy at the Baptist Student Union said during our noonday lunch.

He reminded me that God gives us grace. Amazing grace to be precise. We do not deserve any of it, but He gives it to us freely because He loves us. I needed that reminder because for about two years now, since I got back from my mission trip to Massachusetts, I have felt lost and disconnected from God. I have been putting everything else before Him, including my mental health, as an excuse for things. I kept thinking that I couldn't do anything because I was exhausted and unmotivated. I've recently been asking the questions, "Why me? Why is God putting me through this? Why do I want to hurt myself? Why is there a chemical imbalance in my brain? Will I always be this way?" It has been a struggle recently because of these questions and because I feel so alone and worthless in this world, but when I feel this way, it helps to count my blessings and remember all the positives.

This tiger painting tested me greatly. Throughout the process, I kept feeling unmotivated and burned out, but after what felt like forever, I created, in my opinion, the greatest painting I have ever painted. So all the burnout and stressful nights staying up light were all worth it.

In my social psychology course this semester, we discussed optimistic bias and depressive realism, which is essentially optimistic and pessimistic thinking, but depressive realism isn't pessimistic at all, it's just seeing the world as it is. However, having an extreme of one or the other is not great for an individual because having an extreme amount of optimism can cause delusional views of the world and an extreme amount of pessimism causes a drain on someone's mental health.

One thing from my social psychology book stood out the most to me, "We must override the impulse to seek immediate gratification in order to obtain a greater reward at a later time." This is like Christianity. Our greater reward is Heaven, and we must reject seeking worldly gratification when something good or bad happens. When something bad happens, I like to wallow by being alone, eating my feelings, or shutting down through sleep. When I feel good and happy, I like to hang out with others, travel somewhere, or eat (most of those happen all in one event). However, I've learned that at any anytime, we need to praise the Lord and seek Him in both the good and the bad. We need Him 24/7. This seems like a "DUH" kind of thing, but like, we all forget this from time to time.

Here are some negatives that turn into positives when I think of the grace God gives me:

• I suffer from anxiety and depression and feel like physically harming myself. However, He's putting me through this to make me stronger and give me a better testimony in order to help others who struggle.

• I do not have a conventional job and do not feel motivated to find a job. However, He has given me huge commissions that will take me the whole semester to complete, and He allowed past Sydney to work hard in high school to obtain a lot of scholarship money that gives me enough refund money to make it without a job.

• I have not been keeping up with my schoolwork due to exhaustion and no motivation. However, He has allowed my professors to understand my circumstances and offer help where they can.

• I am not a famous artist on social media or in my communities like other people my age. However, He knows what I can handle right now, and being a girl with hundreds of commissions and having to keep up with social media is not what I can handle right now.

• I have to start growing up by paying taxes, rent, and car payments. However, He has given me the awesome internship that I have to pay taxes for, a roof over my head, and a brand-spankin' new car to drive all over.

The power of positive thinking is wild when we turn it all around, and it is so true when we base it all on what God says. When you feel like you're in a dark place, remember the good in the circumstance. That good is God, and He loves you no matter what.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8 ESV