Trust God, Bro

You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction. - George Lorimer

Don't freak out, my humble readers! This post does look slightly different from previous ones. You are not crazy; I am!

From the Confessions of an Artist:

I haven’t thought about this in a really long time, but Satan has had a hold on me for a while now. I’m reading The Fuel and The Flame* again, and one year ago, I had panic attacks (and other fun issues) because I listened to the Lord’s calling to send me into ministry, particularly music. Even though I couldn’t breathe anytime I thought about how much I hated my major and changing it led to uncertainty, I still had a growing connection with Christ. This year, I re-read the section on how Satan wants to destroy us more if our hearts and lives are connected with Christ. During the summer, I was always doing something to glorify God, except for spending every day in His Word. That’s where it started. Then I got back home and hit the ground running on work and a new schedule of classes that made me want to drop out of college. Then Brittney got pregnant. Then my parents like really started to fight. They told us they were separating. My dad moved out. My mom wasn't her regular self. They started the process of divorce. My dad wanted the house and surround sound system. My mom put her energy into party planning. All this stuff happened in the span of five months. And through it all, I completely shut down. People might give me the benefit of the doubt since I went through major life changes, but that’s honestly no excuse to completely abandon my Father, my faith, and my drive. I stopped reading His Word. I stopped talking to Him. I stopped going to church and being around His people. I felt nothing but fear, dread, and concern for five months straight. This past Thursday though, I felt joy for the first time since Worcester. I was running all around, doing one thing after another, but I was utterly happy. I went out with the hope of having a good time with people. The only reason this occurred was I prayed, honestly talking with God, for a solid 10-15 minutes. It felt good to converse so much ground of praises of Him, concerns for others and needs for myself. I felt calmer and ready for anything and everything, as long as I spoke to my Father and asked Him for help. I woke up Thursday feeling like I needed to be with Him, so I read my Bible to start my day off right and ended the day with so much exhaustion and the need to be asleep in my bed. I fell asleep quickly as I praised God for the day.

This happened about ten months ago. I remember the day. I felt so alive after feeling dead for months. I miss that feeling. To be honest, I haven't been spending time with God. I haven't been living for Him. Because of this, I have been grasping onto any little things to get me to keep wanting to live. I know I should just trust Him, read His Word, and live for Him, but it is so hard to choose Him day in and day out when I have been out of the game for so long. I feel like I am sitting on the bench, watching the other players win, or lose, with tenacity and ambition. Their hearts are in the game, and I signed up to play the game I love to only lose the feeling of that love. I want to remember that love again. I need to remember that love again.

When I spend time with the Lord, I feel at peace, and I am reassured that He's got me. When I look back on my journal entries and remember that assurance in Him and that ambition for Him, I get jealous of my past self. She was so confident and had not gone through what I had, yet. I really miss that girl and those less difficult times, but hey, life is a learning process.

My personal motto is, "You live, and you learn." I apply it to everything. I have lived a great life so far, and I have learned from some experiences (mainly to never enter a talent show as a singer ever again; aka that one traumatic experience), and I have to keep learning from my experiences. I want to feel joy again, so I go back and remember when I last felt joy: when I was fully immersed in the Lord. Going back and remembering what He's done, what I've done, and how I've felt with Him reminds me to just trust God. We all need to trust God, bro.

* The Fuel and the Flame is a great book written for college students to deepen their faith and proclaim the Good News on their college campuses. I highly recommend it to any young adult!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV