My Freshman Experience

At the end of day, tell yourself gently: 'I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway. - Anonymous

So far, my college experience has not been great, and I could go on and on about all the things that happened; that will be in due time, but for now, I'm just going to focus on my freshman year of college at the University of Southern Mississippi.

I went into freshman year ready for a new part of my life to learn new things, have new experiences, and make new friends. Of course, all that happened, but the things that stand out the most when I think about my entire freshman year are the panic attacks, migraines, and high blood pressure.

From the Confessions of an Artist:

I keep thinking about my decision to be a Drawing and Painting major at USM. I don't particularly like having assignments to do each week where I have to draw or paint something, but truth be told, I don't know what else to do. Art and music are all I've ever known. I thought about being a music minister, yet I would like to make a lot of money. I know, 'Sydney, just trust God, and He will provide no matter what you do.' Well, that's hard to do when I live in an expensive and greedy world.

I began to think about the major I chose, and I started having doubts about it. That doubt took the form of mini panic attacks periodically throughout each and every day. I couldn't deal with all the pressure of what my future looked like while dealing with physical, mental, and spiritual health and taking pointless GEC courses; now, don't get me wrong, I certainly learned a lot and enjoyed some of these courses, but they did not, and still have not, served a purpose in my future career. My body couldn't handle all that was happening to it mentally.

I later wrote, "I don't know who I am anymore. Ever since I can remember, I have been more idle than active and more introverted than extroverted. Over the years that part of me was bothersome at one point or another. Now, I just want to run away from all my responsibilities: classes, emails, finances, family, friends, etc. I feel like I can never win because there is always something I am supposed to be doing, and most of the time I choose to ignore it until the last second. This used to not be me; I used to get almost everything done early, mostly out of competition with classmates. When life gets so overwhelming, I think, 'I'd rather want to die or run away.' I certainly don't want to kill myself, but if God felt so inclined to send a kidnapper to spice up life, that would be cool. I'm just sick and tired of going through the same pointless motions that bring me no joy."

I also wrote this song that expresses how college affected me in just the span of a few months.

College Life

Verse I

Insanity, anxiety, urgency

Have exhausted and overloaded my head.

I cannot sleep; the world is weighing on me.

I'm rolling over cause I don't wanna get out of my bed.

Main Chorus

Is this my life now?

Will this ever end?

I thought I saw my future clearly,

But college life did me wrong.

I thought I mapped my future clearly,

But college life did me wrong.

Verse II

Too much reading. Too much writing. Too much noting.

They're making me lose all of my hair.

A deep breath in. A deep breath out.

It's the only way I can survive this year.

Bridge

Lavender in my tea for the anxiety.

Thirty-minute nap at least before all the reading.

Dark chocolate for a snack as I cross campus in my heavy backpack.

Chorus II

I thought I would have a different experience,

But college life did me wrong.

I thought I could do everything,

But college life did me wrong.

Look, I know this all might seem horrific to some of you, but if that's the case, stop reading my blog because it will get really disheartening from here on out (I do suffer from depression). I want to write about these things in hopes that it will encourage others to ask for help if they suffer from similar circumstances.

With this in mind, there was a light my freshman year: Jesus Christ. I learned who Jesus was (sort of separate from who He is with God). I discovered His love and read His Word on my own for the first time in my life. I was encouraged by a dear friend/mentor, Lauren Neeley, at the Baptist Student Union on campus. Lauren held me accountable as I embarked on this new spiritual journey. I grew up in the church and knew the stories, but reading them on my own for the first time made them more powerful. This power and wisdom gave me the strength I needed to live with my anxiety all freshman year. I had Him, and that was all I needed to keep going.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 NIV

This verse inspired my second tattoo, which I got during my mission trip with one of the youth girls who wanted a tattoo but needed a pal to go with her.

My next blog will be about my mission trip, so come back next week!