The Beginning of My Depression

At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: '"I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway." - François

From the Confessions of an Artist:

I hate myself. I have who I've become. At this point in my life, I haven't been to church or [Baptist Student Union] events for 90% of the semester. Most of what I watch [is full of sin]. My grades are going down the drain (probably the one thing I care least about). My parents are getting a divorce. My sister is 18 weeks pregnant. My grandparents are deteriorating. It's all been too much that I have pushed all feelings down. I have NO motivation to do anything worthwhile all semester. I feel depressed and anxious a lot of the time. I don't know if it's because of my parents' divorce, terrible music theory, or the transition from Worcester back to here.

I don't know who I am anymore, and I think I haven't known who I am since my freshman year of college. I graduated high school with a lot of accomplishments and a bright future ahead of me. College tainted me. It changed me, some of it good (especially spiritually), but it consumed so much of me that I couldn't breathe. I still can't breathe. I still want to run away and find meaning in my own life instead of wasting away in classrooms. I know what I need to do to be like I was a year ago, but at this point, I have no motivation to fulfill what I need to do. And that hurts me. That is why I hate myself. Because I have no motivation. Because I am "lazy." I hate that I don't want to go out to BSU events, dorm events, School of Music events, Bible study, church, or class. I do want to go to them, but I would rather stay in my bed, safe, comfortable, and relaxed.

This picture was taken at the very beginning of my sophomore year. I was hopeful for my second year of college. I wanted to have a better experience than my freshman year, but that didn't happen.

According to Very Well Mind, "Mild depression involves depressive symptoms that are considered low-grade. While many of the same symptoms of more severe depression are present, including irritability, sadness, and lack of motivation, they are often more subtle and less intense."

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after dealing with mild depression and generalized anxiety disorder for several months because I had states of really high and really low moments, but that is not what bipolar disorder is. Bipolar is being extremely depressed or extremely manic. For the most part, there is no in-between without proper medication. Manic episodes take the form of four or more days of being able to do anything and everything with very little sleep. With how I just described it, one might say, "Sign me up!" NO! You might get a lot done, but there is a cost. I cannot tell you exactly what that cost is because I do not experience manic episodes, but I do have experience with depressive episodes. Anything that involves a mental health problem is a hindrance, and one should seek help if they are dealing with anything of the sort.

I began to feel a lack of motivation. Then the wave of intense sadness hit. That's when I felt like hurting myself just to feel something. I didn't care if I died. I didn't care if I bled. I didn't care about anything. I was just sad, and I did not know how to stop it, or how to feel better. With these symptoms constantly pestering my everyday function, I sought another professional opinion. I did not know what exactly bipolar disorder was, but since my insurance dropped me because of this "label," I wanted to know more.

I was diagnosed with mild depression and generalized anxiety disorder at the beginning of the summer of 2023, and I have been going to counseling to talk about life and get help on how to deal when life gets stressy and depressy.

If you or a loved one struggles with any form of mental illness, or are showing symptoms of a mental illness, please reach out. There are resources available anywhere, and my email is listed below.

Reminder: God loves you, and you are here for a reason.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18 NIV